Newsletters Archive

Speaking Womanese

Hey guys,

I've just gotten back from Australia and while I lay here watching episodes of South Park and NBA Insider on my computer, I figured I'd write to you guys. I wanted to talk to you guys about a really important skill when it comes to meeting women. I like to call that skill speaking "Womanese".

(Womanese being the secret language women speak through subcommunications, body language, facial expressions, spatial relevance, and the underlying meanings of what they're saying. )

I often say that women give the best pick up advice, as long as you don't listen to what they tell you to do. Women give their advice through their reactions. They also give their advice to you through what they say, you just have to know how to translate it.

So today in part one of our 3 part series on "Speaking Womanese" we're going to look at some typical things women say when meeting new men, and what they actually mean.

1. " I have a boyfriend".

This particular phrase can mean a variety of things based on when and how it is brought up in the conversation. The first realization you have to make about girls telling you they have boyfriends, is that it's not always true. Often times the girl will say she has a boyfriend just to avoid having to be rude or waste her time entertaining a guy she's not interested in all night. Women will also say things like "we're lesbians" or "we're together" to get rid of you in a socially acceptable way.

If a woman tells you she has a boyfriend REALLY early on in the conversation (like in the first 3 minutes or less) she really means "I'm not interested in you romantically". Women hate social awkwardness, so if she's really not into the conversation and she can tell you're hitting on her, saying she has a boyfriend is a nice friendly way out of the discomfort.

If a woman tells you she has a boyfriend when you are trying to escalate the interaction(by getting a phone number or trying to get her to leave with you) it generally means one of two things. Either she has let the interaction go further than she intended and she wants to let you know you don't have a chance. Or she is trying to let you know that this may be a one time thing.

If a woman casually mentions a boyfriend by saying something like "my boyfriend and I" or "we like to.." then she is generally just letting you know the situation but may still be open to escalating the interaction. At which point it becomes an issue of morality outside the scope of this newsletter ☺

2. "We're not having sex tonight."

If a woman tells you she's not going to have sex with you, she's already thinking about it. Women throw up the "we're not having sex tonight." objection because they realize that things are starting to heat up between the two of you. They do this because they have to be able to maintain plausible deniability. Maintaining plausible deniability means that you always take responsibility for escalation. This goes for everything from making the first approach, to giving her an excuse she can tell her friends about why she left the club with you. Everything is your responsibility. The girl has to be able to explain to her friends that she wasn't going back to your place to get fucked senseless. She was going over to save some money on drinks "or " have a nightcap before she headed home." But then "one thing led to another..."

So when she says "we're not having sex tonight" she means " I want you to convince me that there won't be any consequences for me if I have sex with you tonight." This is where showing a girl that you don't kiss and tell is crucial. You have to show the girl that you are not going to hurt her reputation or lose respect for her if she sleeps with you.

If a woman tells you she's not having sex with you tonight, you should always respond " I was just about to tell you the same thing." Ideally though you want to tell the girl that you're not having sex with her first. I always treat that statement like the finish line of a race you want to get to first.


3. " I don't (kiss, have sex, have a threesome with midgets) on the (first night, first date, 3rd date).

When a woman gives you a rule like " I don't kiss on the first date." Or " I don't have sex until the 3rd date." She is sending a clear message. She is not sure about you. She doesn't necessarily know if she sees you in her life long term or if you're just some guy she'll go on a couple of dates with and forget. So because of this she's starting to lay down rules. Now some girls actually do have rules about their dating lives, but most don't. Most women simply go with what's bringing in the most good emotions. If she's starting to get all logical she's not that into you...

If a woman says something like this, it's a great opportunity to inject some humor and flip the script on the girl. If a girl ever gives me a rule, I just respond " Cool is that you're only rule or do you have more before I get to tell you mine?" Now sometimes she'll have some more rules, but once she's done I'll give her a ridiculous list of rules that I have until she's laughing so hard she's forgotten what we were talking about. The more random and funny the better. Some of my favorites are enforcing a casual dress Fridays where she's not allowed to wear pants, reminding her that Tuesday is "Feed Jon Grapes and Fan him day" and more.

4. " You're a (jerk, player, asshole)

When a woman playfully insults you or accuses you of being a jerk, player, dirty old man, whatever... she's actually saying " I'm kinda attracted to you and I want to see if you're really cool, or pretending." Because men can lie, women have to have a way of figuring out which guys are actually cool, and which guys are faking it. So when you are getting attraction from girls early on, they will often "test" you.

The best way to deal with tests from women is to agree and exaggerate. What most guys do wrong is they disagree and then try to show a girl how they're not a jerk or a player. This is bad because it sets an underlying theme of you trying to live up to her expectations instead of vice versa. So instead you always agree when a woman accuses or insults you. Then you exaggerate the comment to absurdity. So for example if a girl accuses you of being a player, you can say " Yeah I'm actually pretty booked up right now but I can slot you in next Thursday if you promise to be good. " or " Yeah, I was actually recently voted the 6th biggest player in a mid major city by people magazine."


5. "Let's Just be Friends."

When a girl you've just met tells you that she just wants to be friends, what she really means is that she's not interested in you at all. Most people, especially attractive women don't make friends from failed pickup attempts. The fact that she's suggesting being friends means that she's not interested in you romantically. Plus she's worried that you're expecting something more. If a girl tells you she just wants to be friends you're pretty much out of luck. In rare circumstances you can escape the friend zone, but you are officially out of the "Ultimate Relationship Proposition" category. So if you actually do want to be friends with her (without it being part of a long term seduction plan) then continue to get her phone number and try to hang out with her. Just be sure to mention that you are only trying to be her friend, lest she suspect you're trying to get in her pants. It also may be a good idea to hang out with her in a mixed group of your friends and her friends. This will help it feel less like a date the first couple of times you guys hang out. Female friends are a huge blessing.

Ok, so that sums up what women really mean when they say things like " we're not having sex tonight." or " Let's Just Be Friends." Next time I'm going to be breaking down how women communicate using body language, eye contact and spatial relevance.

Till next time,

S